Sweet and sour pork?

So there was this one time this past semester where Sarah and I went to
a Asian buffet. We got the best part of the meal, the fortune cookies,
and we cracked them open. Expecting to use the ageless fun “in bed” at
the end of our fortunes we read them aloud. Mine was a good one.

“Life is a series of decisions. Today yours are good ones (in bed).”

It works, you know?

However, Sarah’s wasn’t as good. Hers when like this. (And I’m not making this up.)

Q: What’s red and tastes like pork?
A: Sweet and sour pork (in bed).

Yeah. It didn’t work as well.

The
story could end there and it would be funny, but there’s more to the
story than that. Okay, you have to understand the better part of the
story. See, one of my roommates this year was the most sheltered kid
you have ever met in the world. Well, if you met him he would be, but
trust me on this one.

Super sheltered.

Anyway, so this kid made my room a great place to laugh (at him.) Yeah,
it sounds mean, but you would laugh at him, too. Think of the nicest
person you know right now. Go ahead…

Yep, they would laugh at him too.

Anyway, so over the semsester we tried training him in real life. I
mean this kid had it rough. He was adopted because his mother had him
when she was like 16. But the parents that adopted him happened to be
the strictest and most uptight people in the good ol’ US of A. They’re
about as conservative as a person can be without being a robot. They
home schooled their child from K-12 for the most part. They kept him
pretty much locked in the house with no friends but books and the
history channel. But not even the history channel because there’s no
cable TV to watch. (Now granted I don’t have cable TV either, but I’m
kind of glad for it. Except on Monday and Thursday night football.
Boo…)

Okay, I told people that I could pretty much sum up my roommate by telling one story.

Ready for it? It’s great. It’s pretty much unbelievable. But believe it, because I’m definately not making this up.

We convinced him (and it wasn’t hard at all) that girls don’t poop.

Yep. It’s pretty hilarious. He actually believes us. I just can’t wait until he finds out the truth…

But anyway, so this does relate to the whole fortune cookie thing.

This same roommate had never been to a Chinese or asian food resturant
of any kind ever. Seriously. That’s how sheltered he is. Like, when he
thinks fast food he thinks Red Lobster. His parents won’t even steep to
Olive Garden, apparently. Well, he didn’t really know anything about
fortune cookies. We told him that all fortune cookies have fortunes in
them and they all end with “in bed” at the end. He was like,
“Really?!?!?!” And we said “Yes.” Eventually we felt bad for lying to
him and told him that they really don’t say that, but that all fortune
cookies can be ended with “in bed” and it makes them so much better.

He said, “So you can do this with any fortune cookie and it makes sense.”

“Yep, I’ve never had one that didn’t make some sense. Even if it was just a little bit of sense.”

“Wow. I can’t wait to try this. I want Chinese food!”

So back to the original story. We open our fortune cookies up and Sarah
gets the most pathetic fortune anyone could get. I mean, many times
they really aren’t fortunes, but this one was a question and answer
joke that wasn’t even funny.

Irony. (Is that ironic? I don’t really know for sure.)

-Andrew

Also, if you want an idea of what my roommate was like, you can watch
my Part 1 of the documentary I am making of him on YouTube.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=5-q1w9KAmnw